Some people come into your life to teach you something. Some people are like leaves, branches or the roots of the tree. Make sure you know who are the roots.

Madea

Waiting, waiting, waiting for those very important test results… Worried that I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the life I wanted to with my family. One of those people in my life that I thought would be with me through it all was my girlfriend at the time. This season of my life hadn’t given me all of its intensity yet I soon found out.

This girl I thought was going to be the one I spent the rest of my life with, when I thought that I had a normal life span to give especially. I remember extremely vividly telling her the news of my (at that time) diagnosed Leukemia and remembering how confused I was. She wanted to be supportive. She wanted to be there for me. But I remember trying to push her away right at the beginning of my health crisis. If this isn’t the most surreal thought, I don’t know what is… I didn’t want this girl to have to live through me dying of this disease that would slowly (at best) kill me from the inside out. It’s such an interesting thing that we as humans, especially me, tend to do when in crisis. I loved this person more than anything, but the thought of her having to deal with me shutting my eyes one day and never opening them again I just couldn’t stand. She persisted even past my stubbornness (which I can assure you is annoyingly strong) and assured me, even if I was sick, she wouldn’t leave my side. She wanted to be through every single thing with me. She still wanted all of the things we had planned on; marriage, kid’s, etc..

She, along with a couple of my closest friends and family, were the reason that I am still here today. I struggled on the daily understanding why I should keep going. I struggled so very much, and like I have said in previous posts these people are why I wanted to struggle for my existence. I often told people that I wouldn’t go out easy, I wanted to linger and vex the grim reaper. If I wasn’t going to be able to have the life I wanted, death wasn’t going to get me so smoothly. This girl, my friends, my little brothers, my family, I couldn’t let them down. I had to be here for them, even if my will wasn’t always there for myself. Luckily, I have improved since then with self love, but you will see that throughout the remainder of my journey.

So we continued having our lives being intertwined even though we knew that once she left that summer, we would be a distance apart with her still being at school and me being at the clinic with my busy internship. I was in the grip during that time of my life, wow the stress. Health crisis (skin and blood), school work upon school work, trying to make a very good impression on the future employers I was interacting with every day (trying to not let anyone see how bad I was hurting on the inside), waiting for my biopsy results, and trying to be a “normal” boyfriend for this girl that I cared so very much about. The relationship was not easy, and I am very sad that my health put so much stress in both of our lives. The pain I was living through was not easy to go through with me.

One day while on my way back from school, I received a call that she was done. Done with me. Done with us. Looking back at things, I wish I could’ve just left it at this and been on my way to finding better people, the love of my life included. But at the time, I couldn’t see that this girl and I were just not at the right places in time to be together. I remember telling my friends it could’ve worked out if I hadn’t had all of my health problems and anxiety, but the world knew that I had something better in store. I felt like the Julias Caesar of my time walking out of the bus that day… This girl waited for a time to call me, and stabbed me with, what felt like, thousands of daggers into my already suffering heart. I was a wounded animal, asking for my bullet to put me out of my misery, but I chose to prolong my suffering to be here for people like her. I knew that I was hard to deal with while I was dying, but I told her that I couldn’t stand losing her after that initial attempt at me trying to push her away and her not agreeing with my thought process. I couldnt lose her, she was my everything.

There is a difference between someone who wants you and someone who would do anything to keep you. Remember that.

I drove to her that night. I didn’t want to miss a chance to save what her and I had. I showed up to her door with flowers and begged for her to hear me, just to listen to me. I meant this gesture in only the sweetest way, I would have done anything for her. Something just seemed different in her eyes. Something just didn’t make sense. She told me she would still try to be with me, but after a week she ended it again. Twisting those thousands of daggers just one more time before I never spoke to her, my best friend in life at that point, again. I honestly to this day will never 100% understand it all, but I do have to say that this appeared to be a huge case of both of us being young and changing. Sad but it is true.

Ill never truly understand how I got through this hurt. I knew that I would find someone better, but I couldnt see the light at the end of the tunnel at this point in my journey. I worried this would be a turning point in my story. I worried that my lack of wanting to keep fighting would kill me even faster. I didnt want to keep going, but a few very close people to me kept fighting for me to keep fighting. The roots in my life wouldnt let me quit. I learned an extremely valuable lesson at this spot in my journey, if people are in crisis they will do anything to go back to equilibrium. I just think I stressed my crisis on my relationship a bit too much and she just left. I can’t even explain the hurt and the scars that this left on my soul and heart.

It’s okay to be depressed and cry for a minute, but don’t stay there too long. Get up and get on with your life. If somebody wants to walk out of your life, let them go. Whatever they are running after, they will see what they had but by then it’ll be too late.

Madea

Sorry to do this to you, but until next time folks. Peace, love, all the above. Love, Alex (your clotted friend)

Thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart for all of your support!

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