We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope.

Martin Luther King Jr.

I was a ticking time-bomb ready to unleash onto the target, which unfortunately was myself. One of the things that inspired me to write in my life and try to become decent at it was this part of my journey. What many may consider to be a happy lull in my story, I considered it, at the time, to be the most terrible place a person could be in life. I was sitting at the edge of a cliff, one leg over the side of paradise and the other over the side of depression. The side of paradise was a small silver lining of “yay you are going to be O.K.!” that I was hearing from my family and friends who didn’t understand the situation. Even though I knew it wasn’t true, it was still nice to feel “normal” again. The side of depression was how I felt on the inside and how I knew the situation actually to be. I was inspired to share my story because I know that I am not the only person on this lovely earth that has experienced this. I was inspired because I know how many stronger people have gotten through worse. I was inspired because I know the type of change I can make by bringing light to this curse on peoples life. I was inspired to try and be the person to make that change.

As I awaited my next blood check up in three months to see if I would start a chemotherapy drug, I played a finicky game in my skull. I knew that I had to make a decision to try and live like I was going to keep living, or to live like I was going to give up. I have to say, sometimes the thought of giving up had been tempting, letting my life slowly slip from me and give up on my hopes and dreams. But I remembered why I didn’t give up in the thick of the situation. I remembered my little brothers who both looked up to me. I remembered my little brothers who both had been through enough already in there lives and needed me to keep going. I remembered my parents who I know wouldn’t be kosher if I let my life go to ruin and give up. I remembered my Grandma Sharon who messaged me every single day and never let me go to sleep at night before she kicked my butt in Words With Friends and let me know that she loved me “so so so so so so so much! More!”. I remembered my family, my friends, and the people that I couldn’t let be sad over my suffering any longer.

Love and Miss You so Very Much More! I’m home and feeling pretty good! Big Big Big Hugs! Hopefully I will walk soon.

Grandma Sharon DeMarte (the last thing she ever sent to me in this life, I will treasure it till the day I die)

Being a man of science and overthinking things, I decided to tackle this query in my life the same way I conquered other challenges that I had been successful at before. It was my mission, my goal, my must to become a student of that question I posed to myself. I started by watching motivational/inspirational videos online. I took notes on every single video I watched and saved them in a binder that I held near and dear to me. I watched the speakers so intensely and I wanted to know the individual intricacies that made each one of them special. I wanted to know what made them who they were and why they kept going even in the brutalist of situations. One thing that I found was after I started hearing how others had struggled, even worse than I had, I started to feel better. I started to feel better, at least mentally, that I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t the only clotted blabbering idiot in the world that couldn’t give up on a dream. Throughout this journey I had my voice in the world silenced from me, a majority of my light and madness that had been portioned to me by life had been put out. This helped me start the process of regaining my heart and voice.

When everything seems to be against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.

Henry Ford

After a while, it felt like my life had been consumed by these videos. I started having the dream of being one of these people that could help save lives someday. I was saved by words and not feeling alone, at the end of the day. This was a dream that I didn’t let die and you are now reading the results of this dream, and I hope that this is just the start.

I didn’t stop with videos, I started finding that the speakers that truly talked to me also wrote books. I started reading these books, highlighting anything that I thought was beneficial. People in my life know that I love motivational/educational readings, but I don’t think anyone in my life knows how much though, even those closest to me. I highlighted and wrote notes just like I remember my great grandfather doing in his books while growing up. One of the things that I started doing was writing down passages in bound notebooks and writing my own thoughts and philosophies down about them. I wanted to have a unique opinion and I wanted to accomplish something more than what a standard motivational “artist” had done before. This is when the realization came to me about this journey I had been on so far. My story definitely would not have been as impactful to share if these trying times hadn’t barraged my life. I started to have a shifting mindset of this was the best thing that ever happened to me. This clot that still rests in my gut to this day, woke my ass up to what really was important.

Despite people around me and on social media thinking I was absolutely bonkers for always sharing positive messages that I loved, I kept doing it. I have a page that I started back in college with a few friends that was originally started to share gym motivational things that turned into my therapy. Sharing the things that were impactful to me made my heart feel just a little bit warmer, just a little bit better. I knew I wasn’t the only one needing someone to be there for me, I knew I wasn’t the only one struggling. The first time that someone messaged me online and told me that I had made there day better, I found my passion. I found my love and passion in life and I wanted it to be what I accomplished in life if I had the life left to do it. I didn’t let the haters bring me down when I shared messages. One, I knew that my real friends would support what I was doing even though they didn’t know the struggles I was facing in life. Two, I had been saved by people wanting to share light and I wanted to be a point of light for someone else if I could be. It’s extremely surprising that now that I have begun sharing my journey how people look differently on the things that I share. As disappointing as it was to me at first, I know in my heart that this is the right thing to do and that this is what I am meant to be doing.

Next time, that second check up and how I continued learning… You will not want to miss this!

Until next time ACJ Nation! Peace, love, all the above.

-Alex

Thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart for all of your support!

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