I felt so much that I started to feel nothing

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Numb is a feeling that I would never wish upon even my worst enemy. I would have to say out of all of the feelings that I have felt in this world, numb is one of the worst. Its not happy or sad, its just neutral and seems endless. When you are generally a happy person stuck inside of a body that is waiting for easier times, the outlook on anything in a life is grim. The only way out of a depression that imprisons even the happiest from its clutches, is confronting it. That being said, many suppress the jailer and will be afraid to talk about the waves that they are encountering in life.

This very thing happened to me in my life, at various times. Throughout my entire story thus far that I have shared with you, I went up and down and through waves of depression of various sizes. What I have been waiting to tell you about though, is the point in the story when all I could do was pretend to be happy and press through. The last thing that I told you about was finding out that my blood results could have been going south again, and I have to say it was at that point where I really started to bottle all of my emotions deep down in my gut. I am and also knew then that this was unhealthy, but it was all that I could do to feel anything resembling happy. And happy was what I wanted, by any means necessary.

I bottled my emotions so much that those around me believed the hype, they believed the deceiving outer layer that I had published for the world to see at that point. I brushed off questions about how worried I was about my health, thinking about it too much would make me feel… I went to and from work every single day here at the clinic and interacted with everyone around me as I always had as my original persona had done before my health showed my ego some humility.

I made the mistake of taking the easy path on this wave and I knew I was on dangerous waters. To my surprise, life started to seem like it was on the upward path for a little while. I pretended to be happy and where did I find myself? Attracting personalities and company around myself just like before my health crisis. It was a damaged Alex, but still an Alex. I am good at creating relationships and listening, skills that can be put to good use even to this day, but it put me through even more hurt at that time. I attracted a new relationship, put myself out there in the dating field and was successful. Unfortunately, this façade that my brain was living in was starting to show its fault lines and it pushed this person away quickly. All of this being said, it all happened for a reason and life is better now, but I was so very hurt at the time.

My façade of being confident in myself broke down with my underlying anxiety. My anxiety questioned myself and all that I stood for. My anxiety questioned why anyone could love a broken and clotted man like myself. My anxiety questioned all that my relationship was and the reasons that person was with me. I allowed my happiness to be reliant strictly on another person and when that other person is pushed away, my happiness was no longer their priority (rightfully so). I built up a false sense of normalcy with this person and their family, but this crack was starting to show. I went to family gatherings and felt like a whole person temporarily and then I was left with my thoughts at night. The vicious circle in my head played me like a fiddle and I started to project my anxiety on to my life. My relationship, my family, my friends, all in different ways. By appearing so confident and put together, I neglected telling those closest to me what I was feeling and what I needed to be alright in life. I neglected being self-aware and allowed my heart to be worn on my shoulder, for anyone to use but me.

I seemed to have it all but couldn’t just be happy with what I had at that time; I was anxious about things that didn’t even exist. I was nervous about storms that would never come to fruition. All of that anxiety led to the deepest form of depression I have experienced, and yes that is pretty crazy when you recognize all that you’ve read so far about my life. Things that were bottled in my heart were my family, my relationship and how it wasn’t working right, my grandmothers health, my house and the bills that came with it (yes I purchased a house during this time of façade, crazy clotted man I am), and so many more things. My partner at that time ended things out of desperation to get away from my crippling anxiety and even though I was so upset at the time, I knew that I would have to at least start facing it to have better things in my life.

Closing time, every new beginning

Comes from some other beginning’s end

Semisonic

All relationships have two sides, and rarely things go to ruin with just one side doing something that destroys the link between the two hearts. I recognize that this person could have been doing things to be difficult as well, but all I was able to focus on was the things that I did wrong. Honestly, I think it’s a great thing that I learned from that experience, focusing on what I can make better even if at the time the perspective was skewed. I hadn’t come to terms with the illness that seemed to be going up and down in my blood, I hadn’t come to terms with my grandmas health declining, I hadn’t come to terms with life not being there for me, I hadn’t come to terms with so much. I was upset at the time that my partner didn’t care about these things like I did, but it wasn’t hers to bear. It was mine and I needed to work through it. I wish I would’ve been able to share all of this sooner to the world, I know that I am not the only one suffering through waves like this. Everything happens for a reason though.

I laid on my couch for days, my brain slouched into numbness. I felt so much sadness, desperation, anxiety that it all overwhelmed the input of my neurons and just turned into numb mode to survive until it passed. I wanted to numb the pain and my brain did it for me. After a while though, I realized that this wasn’t how I usually felt. After a while I realized that maybe I will need to attack this numbness head on. I have been in rebuilding mode ever since that first clot took my pride away, but this stage was different. I wanted to fix the vicious circle that was eating away at myself every single time I got back up. I wanted to fix the underlying issue that was holding me back. I had to fix my anxiety and I knew that it would probably be a lifetime project for me. But I knew what I wanted from my life, and I knew I didn’t have the time to mess around.

I was about to go on a mental health journey that would ultimately lead me to meeting my wife. I was about to go on a mental health journey that would change my outlook on what relationships can be. I want everyone out there to know that they are never alone when going on these endeavors. I am not always proud of how low and dark my thoughts have gone in this world, but I am proud of the fact that maybe I can help a few people along the way with my story. Until next time for the journey of my life…

Please everyone, lift at least one person up today. Take a long look at all of the people in your life and maybe talk to some of the people who seem the strongest. Just because many people are good at having a façade in life, doesn’t mean the burden isn’t enough to kick them to their knees. Be the reason someone stands back up today, this week, this month, this life. I wouldn’t be here to tell you these stories if others hadn’t done this for me.

Peace, love, all the above.

Your clotted friend

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