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Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.
Brene Brown
Our own self-image will determine the outcome of our existence here on this earth. I have spent many nights staring at the ceiling thinking about this, the effect of how we interpret our situation. Fear causes us to hold back, fear causes us to make mistakes, fear determines most of our life I am finding. In a single day you can change your entire stamp on the cosmos by choosing fear over courage, or vice versa. This part in my story is unique and it has to be, to this day, one of my proudest moments of letting go of my fear and letting my courage become my reality. I’ve always been afraid of letting people see the real me; I’ve always wanted to reflect this human that was unbreakable and would fight for anything. Although I do enjoy being that Alex, I have been broken and I have had tough battles that have made me want to give up. I was prepared to be vulnerable with this person that I had tried giving my heart to before and failed. I was getting the opportunity to go almost “blind camping” with a girl of my dreams. I was getting the opportunity and honor to share a moment in time with a beautiful soul. A weekend camping with a lovely and thoughtful woman. A woman that I was sincerely interested in, if you couldn’t tell from my previous posts.
There I was, in the car with Megan for the first time and I swear I remember her being a better driver back then but maybe it was just an infatuated thought. She was jamming out to every single Taylor Swift song that she could fit into her 6 CD changer on her Jeep Patriot. I found her passion for the things she loved in life like a drug and now that I had my first dose like this, I couldn’t stop. We talked about life, we talked about our plans for the weekend which I admit wasn’t very much besides enjoying the outdoors and relaxing with our pups. We did have to make one stop on our way to the campground and it was at a random gas station to get gas and while Megan was doing that I was going to go inside and get her favorite Raspberry tea that they had. I remember this is when I started to really win her over by making her laugh because when I got into the gas station I gave her a quick call and said “hey you, just thinking about you”. She loved that and couldn’t stop laughing. I got her to laugh, I think I can win her heart. If the laughs wouldn’t do it, the tea definitely would I thought. She wouldn’t stop smiling from ear to ear after that point on our drive, what an awesome memory I hope I will always keep.
Night one of our couple night excursion we spent trying to put up a tent together and trying to show each other how to not start a fire. I swear, I cant even begin to tell you how many fires I have started in my life but when you add a pretty girl into the mix I turn into a cave man and lack all ability. By this point in my life I shouldn’t have been surprised by this phenomenon but here we are. Eventually we did start that fire and we were able to enjoy somewhat of a meal and some of our favorite beers that we brought along. I felt alive. I felt happy. I felt that even if this didn’t work out, Megan was truly an angel because in that moment she took all of my worry away about things going on with my health. Sometimes you think people are sent to you in life, this was one of those moments. I didn’t know who was doing the sending, but I knew that maybe this was the eye of my storm temporarily. That night I went into the tent with Megan and the dogs and I saw my pill box hanging out of my bag. I quickly took my medicine and pretended like it didn’t exist again.
Day two we did some exploring around the local small towns and checked out a nature preserve that we were able to hike around with the puppies. This is one of our favorite things to do, even to this day. We love exploring and we definitely love when the dogs can be free and have the times of their lives just running around. Even though I was still very hesitant to let Mowgli off of his leash because he was still a new member of my wolfpack of two, I let him attempt this several times and realized his prime directive in life was to be by humans. That was an excellent feeling, knowing that Mo was starting to trust me, even if he wasn’t too sure of Megan’s white German Shepherd Aldo at the time. He definitely wondered why this new human in his life would expose him to such a fellow large dog. This entire day I had been showing Megan how confident I was and then we saw a small grass snake on the walking path and I almost screamed so loud that the whole campground heard. She thought I was kidding, definitely was not. Fun memories that I will treasure forever, even after being exposed to such a serpent of death. That night and that morning I thought I had surely hidden my pill taking from Megan. I went to sleep thinking about how perfect I was feeling.
Day three, the last day of our first adventure, I woke up and started doing my morning ritual of taking my meds and I can’t remember the exact conversation but all of a sudden Megan asked me what the medication was for that I had taken all weekend. What an observant angel I thought… She assured me that it would be no big deal what it was, just wanted to make sure I was ok. Gah… How vulnerable this made me feel. This strobe effect of an emotion that keeps popping up in my story of someone finding the one missing spot in my armor is starting to really get old. My heart sank and the choking sensation that plagued my early diagnosis instantly reappeared. Even though I knew Megan’s heart was pure and would accept me for me, I didn’t know what to do. For moments I sat there and thought about what I should say. Honestly I am pretty sure that I tried to play it off like, “oh nothing”. But it was a conversation that had to happen and I knew if I wanted things to be right with this girl, I had to tell her the truth. I am excited to tell you about what happens next!
Is this something that you have ever dealt with? Someone exposes something about you that you aren’t proud of or ashamed. I know that an illness shouldn’t be in this category but I truly feel not good enough some days, which I am sure you are aware of by now in my story. Like I said in the beginning, fear and courage are constantly playing in my head like an orchestra, trying to decide which instrument of effect will take the hurrah of the climactic part of the musical. All I could hope to do and all I can hope to inspire into anyone who will take the time to read this, is that I hope when given the choice of fear or courage, you sometimes pick courage. Do not make the mistake of missing out on the times that life offers you to be courageous and outgoing, it could be the difference maker in your life.
Thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart for all of your support!
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